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The Garlic: Veggie Burger Tragically Falls Through Grill

Topeka, KS- BREAKING NEWS A veggie burger tragically fell through the grill at Angelina Kelly’s end of summer backyard barbecue. News reports are not yet able to confirm if it was a store bought or homemade veggie burger but it is known that it broke while being flipped and the smaller side slid onto the coals below. As Angelina tried to rescue the other half, it slipped from the spatula and also fell into the fire.

Ms. Kelly has reportedly returned to the house, possibly to get another veggie burger and some foil. Details to come.

The Garlic: Vegan Co-Worker Turns Down Halloween Candy

Winston-Salem, NC- Andrea Kupwirth noticed today that her vegan co-worker has turned down all offers of Halloween candy.

“Who turns down Halloween candy after Halloween? I gave the kids the smarties rolls and dumdum pops last night so I could bring the good mini Snickers and Reese’s Cups in to work to share.”

The mini Snickers was offered at 8:02 am with the Reese’s Cup following at 8:23.

When told that smarties and dum dums are both vegan Kupwirth eyed her co-worker suspiciously.

The Garlic: Fruit Cup Not Well Received At Wedding

FRUIT CUP NOT WELL RECEIVED AT WEDDING

Asheville, NC- Wedding attendee Jasmine White was not impressed with her vegan dessert option at the wedding she attended in Asheville this weekend. While other guests were served slices of the three tier red velvet cake with traditional boiled frosting Jasmine was brought a dish consisting of sliced cantaloupe, a few grapes, and a strawberry on top.

“Janelle and Ed had plenty of time to work out an option for me. I sent in my RSVP with request for a vegan dessert months in advance. I even gave them the idea to buy a brownie from Firestorm Cafe and slip it to me before the ceremony even began.”

The dreaded fruit cup has become the bane of vegans everywhere. With its heavy reliance on melons and lack of imagination or taste it is the standard vegan wedding dessert. Despite a plethora of vegan sweets cookbooks, including Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World, The Joy of Vegan Baking, Vegan Chocolate, Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar, Sweet Vegan, Vegan Pie in the Sky, Cheers To Vegan Sweets, The Vegan Cookie Connoisseur, Stinky Fingers Sweets, Bake and Destroy, Whole Grain Vegan Baking, and Vegan Bake Sale, there seems to be a reluctance on the part of wedding caterers to venture into cupcake, cookie, or pie territory.

White was spotted at the local Earth Fare late that night stuffing a bag with their vegan chocolate chip cookies. A pint of Ginger Cookie Caramel Coconut Bliss was already in her shopping basket.

The Garlic: Soymilk Hidden In Back of Work Fridge

Every Monday for the month of MoFo I’ll be bringing you breaking news stories from the satirical vegan favorite, The Garlic.

SOYMILK HIDDEN IN BACK OF WORK FRIDGE

Cleveland, OH- Jean Powers, accountant at Crumb, Elliott & Crumb Associates in Cleveland, Ohio, has started hiding her carton of soymilk in the back of the shared work fridge. Her newly opened cartons were mysteriously running out by the end of each week, despite Jean’s frugal usage in her morning coffee.

“At least four co-workers have sneered at my aseptic cartons but it appears some of them are using it behind my back,” Powers reports.

The soymilk was mysteriously drained early for three consecutive weeks. Powers made some quiet inquiries and has been spending an extra fifteen minutes in the shared kitchenette in the mornings but no suspicious activity was observed. At that point Powers decided to take matters into her own hands.

“I put my carton on the second shelf instead of the first, and put the slimy bag of unopened baby carrots in front of it. Those carrots have been in there at least two months, so I’m hoping this solves the problem.”